Where do I begin?????

Hello?? Anyone out there?????
You might not remember me, I'm the poor soul who has been under the heavy thumb of healing for the past few months. You know the phrase, its a dirty job but somebody's got to do it? Hi, I'm that somebody. I mean don't get me wrong, "Butt Wiper" does have a certain ring to it when you hand it out on a business card. I will have to admit, when you can spend a good 1/3 of your workday trying to convince someone to use a urinal that YOU ARE HOLDING..... it gives your life a new perspective. For example, "this movie kind of sucks.....at least im not wiping butt for 12 hours! The wait for a table at this restaurant is 3 hours...at least im not wiping butt for 12 hours!" Starting to see the point? Now that is what I call looking for the silver lining.

Now, when I sat down to write this blog I was trying to run through all the stories I could tell. Things that would make you laugh, things that would make you cry, things that might make you feel a little uncomfortable but then I remembered a little law called HIPPA. And while I pretty sure I wouldn't have to wipe butt in prison, I'm not willing to take the chance and find out. In conclusion, I will try to summarize (legally) what I have been doing this past semester.

- The goverment should look into a new form of torture..... foreign instructors who cannot speak english. Having to sit on a cement block fashioned into the shape of a desk for 3 straight hours while listening to someone lecture where it literally sounded like the Charlie Brown teacher is just plain inhumane (keep in mind that my definition of listening involved me "hearing" her voice while filling out every work puzzle the newspaper could hold). She apparently was also unfamiliar with some of our American forms of educational evaluation. For example, the following is an actual account of her instructions before a test.
"If you want to choose A fill in the bubble A, not B,C, or D. If you want to choose B, fill in the bubble, B, not A,C, or D......" Then she continued with C and D. WOW, I have no words......
When we would grade our tests, she would go through each test and read the answers. Now in order to eliminate confusion, she would clarify the letter. It went something like this:
A - Apple
B- Bobby
C
D - Danny

Wait a minute..... A, that doesn't really sound like anything else, B and D, I get that.... but what about C? It kinda sounds like D but I guess it makes things exciting not to clarify that one. She must have skipped the C's in the Taiwanese/English translator.
I guess all those lectures in nursing school that I have taken on cultural competency didn't really take.

- I got a big regret, I mean tattoo, I mean regret, I mean tattoo.... Thats right I have defiled my body. Here is how the defilement occured:

Wednesday, 6 p.m - Get tattoo
Thursday, 8 a.m. - Typing into Google, "Tattoo Removal"

Now don't fret, I have found a loophole. Apparently, if I can prove that I got my tattoo while under the control and pressure of a gang, I can get it removed for free. As a result, the "sunshine gang" was born. I am currently looking for rough and tough applicants that will be convincing as gang members to a local dermatologist.
The best reaction to my tattoo came from my ever encouraging mother. Upon seeing the tat for the first time she said, "they could have made it cuter". Keep in mind that she has heard me cry about it for several days and at this point I CAN'T CHANGE IT!!!!
Lesson learned: Don't make permanent decisions while in Nursing School.

- In the midst of stress and hearthache, there is always a ray of hope. I like to call it Reality Television. Laugh if you will but I love it. I've decided the major draw is the fact that I can experience the hilarity and drama of real life without actually being involved in it. I love it! You can also openly mock people without consequence...... they can't hear you.... I don't think! Anyway, here is the list of must see shows:

The Bachelor - This has been a slightly disappointing year. There was major hype and buildup because this year the Bachelor was an Italian Prince. Girls, settle down!!! Apparently, ABC translated this into an executive from Wisconsin who has never been to Italy and can't speak Italian but has a distant relative who was Italian royalty. Uh.... try again. He was also slightly awkward. At one point, he spent an hour talking to this one girl about snow suits......
The major drama point was one contestant who had seen one too many episodes of the Simple Life and had adopted Paris Hilton as her role model.....OUCH! If you have not experienced Erica's Italian accent, you have never truly laughed.

Rob and Big - This has officially become my favorite show on television. The show follows the life of Rob Dyrdek, a pro skater, and his bodyguard Big Black. My favorite episode involved their attempts to get the 416 pound Big Black to go on a diet. Hilarious! I highly recommend.

Top Chef - This show proves that you can make anything competitive. In this show, contestants are chefs from across the country who are competing to become TOP CHEF!!! Part of why I am drawn to this show is the opportunity to use catch phrases like "let's turn up the heat on this competition" and "Mike is really on the chopping block this week". I am also intrigued by the show's ability to make people stress out and shake in fear over the most unlikely things. "This week you will be working with garlic" "Oh no!!!!!" "What am I going to do with garlic" "Its over, I can't work with garlic!"
My question to Bravo is this, "I've seen Project Runway and now Top Chef. How about something I can qualify for like, 'Top Nurse' or 'Project Student' (I've had lots of practice at that one)?"

So there you have it..... Throw in whining patients, lots of bodily fluids, and less sleep than is healthy for one person, and that is my semester. Which leads us to Christmas, and that involves lots of concentrated family time which is bound to require some therapeutic blogging in order to get over.........