Stoplights 101......

I'm sure for most of you, driver's education was not yesterday. Well, for me it was. But unlike the first time when I had to sit in a classroom with spoiled brats who all had brand new cars waiting for them (I had a car we nicknamed "the Bomb" awaiting my graduation) watching videos from the 80's about how to not pull out in front of trains, this was a real life lesson. This lesson probably would have been beneficial for my driver's ed. class because this particular class contained the cream of the crop. It possessed the student that decided to pass a police car on the interstate as well as the first student to total the driver's ed. car......... they are both out there driving around as we speak. I'm crying.
Anyway, my lesson occurred on a one way street heading to downtown (bleep). I'm am so secretive..... We approach a red light and according to national driving rules we all stop. In the lane next to me there are two red SUVs. After being at the stoplight for a few minutes, the first SUV proceeds to back up into the SUV behind them..... so that's weird. Weird is such a relative term.... So the driver of the back SUV proceeds to fly out of her car like a bat out of H E double toothpicks (I had a patient say that to me one time and I have wanted to work that into a conversation ever since then). She throws her gold, high heels off in the street and runs up to the front SUV and starts banging on the window. If it wasn't, this definitely should have been an entry in the Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I have never seen someone throw so many punches and expletives at the same time. So the front driver slowly steps out of the car.......uh no............she speeds away. Gold shoes turns around to run back to her car and as she does looks right at me. She probably could have seen all the way back to my tonsils because my mouth was open so wide. She jumps back into her SUV and the chase begins. You have to understand the war that was going on my head. Follow them or stay. Follow them to see what happens or stay and ensure that I don't receive any injuries. I opt to stay back and all I see is the two SUVs turn off onto a side street.

Well, kiddies, I know its subtle but the lesson we learned today is: Don't Back up into the Car Behind you at a Red Light.

Of course, I had to call and relay this information to somebody. So I called my mom and sister and spoke to them concurrently on speakerphone. I told them that I had an important life lesson to share with them and that they might want to take notes. My sister left half-way through the lesson and my mom now has a piece of paper with her name on the top and the words "stoplight" and "reverse" on it.

My favorite part of the story happened today in a conversation with my mom when she told me that in her prayers yesterday she thanked God for the SUV incident because it brought joy into my life.......
I can't wait to see what kind of insanity God's going to let me watch today! It is true what they say, our God is Good.

Payback......

I have wanted to write this post for awhile now. There are a couple of reasons for said post. 1) I love my mom. 2) I love to irritate my mom. 1 + 2 = this post. The main reason for 2 - my mom used to love to irritate me.
As we all know, childhood is basically a time for you to do and say stupid things mainly because you can blame it all on your age. As beloved Mother happily tells whoever will listen, I was not the brightest crayon in the box. Not the sharpest tool in the shed (Ha Ha.... tool). Hey, I had better things to do like stare off into space or at a cupcake (this will only make sense to some of you, but its better that way). Any caring, loving, devoted, good parent would keep this information to themselves, protecting the privacy of the helmeted child. Not my mother. If I said or did something even remotely funny or stupid, my mom couldn't find enough people to tell about it.

Grandma - "Hi"
Mom - "Hey did I tell you what my daughter said the other day"

Family friend - "My sister just got diagnosed with Cancer and is really having a hard time"
Mom - "Awww. Hey did I tell you what my daughter said the other day"

Bag boy at the grocery store: "Paper or plastic"
Mom - "Hey did I tell you what my daughter said the other day"

The most amazing part of this scenario being that now she insists that I not tell stories about her. Wrong!!! Should never have said that.......

Payback #1

This quote happened a couple of years ago but still produces nausea when I think about it.... It was Friday and I was on my way to meet some friends. I was on the phone with Madre, regaling my plans for the evening. Following the explanation, she states, "Oh, that sounds like fun! You just go and feel your wild oats!" Uh, what???? First of all, I'm pretty sure that is not even a phrase but from the breakdown of words sounds very dirty and wrong! When I called her out on the use of such profanity, she states that is the way people say to have some fun. My mom is so hip to the scene!

Payback #2

I have just recently recovered from this incident. It occured over Valentine's Day. I was sitting in my apartment one day when there was knock on the door. It is the UPS guy and he has a package for me. Awww, my mom has sent me a Valentine's package. I bet is has all kinds of goodies like cookies and egg shell muffins. Instead, the list went something like this:

#1 Cookies that she bought from someone else that my sister described as cardboard with glue and sprinkles

#2 A stuffed puppy key chain

and drum roll please.......

#3 Valentine's day handcuffs

I'll give you all a moment to recover from the fact that I got handcuffs from my mom on Valentine's Day.


When I approached her about the "gift", she said "I thought they were cute and funny". Uh..... no and no. Apparently, she realized that this was both sick and twisted when she was talking to one of her work friends. They were telling her about how they went to CVS to get some Valentine's day candy and saw that CVS was selling Valentine's Day handcuffs. How sick and twisted was that? That is just soooo wrong!!! Of course my mom agreed and then called me and begged me to keep this information between the two of us.

Payback #3

This payback has to do with several instances involving basically the same scenario.

The first was a time awhile ago when my mom and I were walking outside. She was carrying a magazine which will become a key component to the story. As we are walking a bird swoops down and flies kind of close to me. My mom's reaction....... she hits me in the head with the magazine. My response.... "OWWW". Her response......."I'm sorry. I can't help it!"

Last summer, my grandma came to stay with my mom. They were outside working in the garden together. A snake slithered out of the garden. My grandma responds my grabbing a shovel and beating the snake's head into the ground. Have I mentioned that my grandma is not afraid of anything. She is practically like a female Crocodile Dundee. If my mom hadn't been around, she probably would have snapped it's neck with her bare hands. My mom's reaction is quite different. She starts jumping all around, grabbing grandma's shirt, practically choking her.
Grandma's response......"Darn snake". Mom's reaction......."I'm sorry. I can't help it!"

This happened just the other night. My sister called and relayed the details of the story. They were just relaxing at the house when my sister decides to teach my mom a self-defense lesson. Apparently my mom (the attacker) was supposed to grab my sister (the victim) on the shoulders. The "self-defense" move was to head butt the attacker so my sister slightly moves her head forward to demonstrate the move. A piece of her hair touches my mom's face and she reacts by smacking the victim in the eye with the palm of her hand.
My sister's response......falling to the floor in pain. My mom's response....."I'm sorry. I can't help it!" In the end, it was not a self-defense lesson but a lesson on how to succeed as an attacker.

So what is the answer??? Does my mom just like to hurt people? I don't think so considering she cries when she hits a butterfly with her car. Are we just asking for it????? That's a big no! I'm not sure what the explanation is .......
My mom's reasoning...... she has Tourette's syndrome.


We will see how that holds up in court................

______________________________________________________________



In the end, I love my mom. She is one of the sweetest, most caring people that I have ever met or will ever meet. She would be a living organ donor if it meant that she could still drive around to take her kids out to lunch. I know that if I ever needed anything, she would be there probably before I even asked. When I get to heaven, I know I have made it if God says, "You have the possessed the same faith and love as your Mother". I love you Mom! Happy Birthday!

The Ant Wars........

As most of you know, I live in an apartment downtown (notice how I left the name of the city out due to the huge popularity of this blog - I want to keep my privacy). And like any smart renter I researched the Apartment on the ultimate renters guide at http://www.shouldirentthisapartmentornot.com/. FYI, when reading this site keep in mind that only the really hard core complainers leave their comments (i.e. the shade of carpeting didn't match my furniture so I give it 2 thumbs down). Anyway, one of the complaints mentioned that the apartments tended to get ants. Glad that it wasn't the wolf spiders that I used to play tag with at my parents house, my roomate and I decided to risk it. The bet payed off. I have maybe seen three or four ants, one of those possibly being food stuck on the counter (wasn't willing to run the taste test on that one....) Everything was fine until the management decided to spray for the "ants".

Battle #1

Scene - my bedroom, really early in the morning.
First of all, this battle also involves a Benedict Arnold of sorts, a.k.a my roommate. I was sound asleep one morning dreaming of who knows what (I can't remember my dreams unless they are extremely weird like the one where dogs turned into little children - yikes) when a man bursts into my room. Knowing that my alarm is set to "beep" and not "exterminator opening door", I am a little shocked. Coming out of my sleepy fog, I say "Oh! Sorry, let me just get out of your way". Apparently, he missed that day in Common Courtesy class when we learned that you would politely step out of the room and let the person get out of bed in privacy. Instead, he proceeded to just stand in the doorway. AWKWARD!!!! Well, I come out of my room to find out that my roommate (bene) had let the exterminator in and had just left. Thanks for the heads up!! He is no longer allowed to answer the door. Needless to say, I was not excited about this experience, especially since I DON'T SEE ANY ANTS!!!!

Battle #2

Scene - again, much tooo early in the morning in my apartment.
For those of you who don't believe that there is a God and that he cares about what happens in our lives, prepare to change your mind. Our apartment door has a regular lock, a deadbolt, and one of those things that closes over that rod with a ball at the end. you know.....the thing that you only see in hotel rooms. Well typically, I don't close the last thing but that night I had. Little did I know, the exterminator would be back to help with our "ant" problem. Well, after he unlocked the first two, when we didn't answer the door, he was met with the doohickey. It was just like the movies where the murderer is yelling through the small crack in the door trying to grab you (insert picture of Jack Nicholson from The Shining). You would think this small hint would give them the idea that we don't want them to spray, but no.............

Battle #3

Scene - my apartment
The management of the apartment left us the following notice:

Dear Resident:

Your apartment will be treated for the control of PHAROAH ANTS. This type of ant is not as easy to treat as many other types of ants. Their biology and behavior require special products as well as special types of treatments. THEREFORE, CONVENTIONAL SPRAYS DO NOT WORK!! We will be treating your apartment using a baiting method. There may be a dramatic new or increased ant activity at the beginning. CARE MUST BE TAKEN NOT TO DISTURB THE BAIT OR ANT TRAILS. In other words, NOTHING SHOULD BE DONE TO DISCOURAGE THE ANTS FROM FEEDING ON THE BAIT.

YOUR APARTMENT MUST BE VACATED OF ALL HUMANS AND PETS.

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IF YOU HAVE BREATHING PROBLEMS, PLEASE CONTACT US

Aquariums must be removed from the premises or sealed air tight. Pesticides may damage plants, and they should be removed, or wrapped with paper, or covered with bags.

PS... They actually used that many caps.

- Now after reading this, I felt a strange urge to look online for a bio suit. WHAT IN THE WORLD are we spraying for here, mutant ants??? Do Pharoah ants have four heads and shoot fireballs out of their mouths? What happened to the traditional methods of extermination like Raid or the bottom of my shoe? Regardless, not too excited about the new "baiting" method. As a result, I am left to come up with a reason I am not able to have my apartment treated. Here is what I have so far......

- I have a medical condition where my hair will fall out if I come into contact with any type of ant bait

- I own house plants that will die if I remove them from my apartment, wrap them in paper, or cover them with bags. P.S. they are really expensive

- I believe in reincarnation and I believe that my favorite Aunt came back as a Pharoah Ant. (My Aunt reincarnated as an Ant....... I kill myself!!!)

- If you insist on baiting, I will post the following comment on www.apartmentsthatyoushouldneverrent.com : "Don't rent this apartment because all of the carpeting is poop scented..... big 2 thumbs down!!!"

- And my favorite, I don't want to grow another big toe so I DON'T WANT IT!!!!

Well, I am headed to the office tomorrow and if they don't listen to me, I am going to let some mice loose in their office...........

War....UH What is it good for? Absolutely NOTHING!

Where do I begin?????

Hello?? Anyone out there?????
You might not remember me, I'm the poor soul who has been under the heavy thumb of healing for the past few months. You know the phrase, its a dirty job but somebody's got to do it? Hi, I'm that somebody. I mean don't get me wrong, "Butt Wiper" does have a certain ring to it when you hand it out on a business card. I will have to admit, when you can spend a good 1/3 of your workday trying to convince someone to use a urinal that YOU ARE HOLDING..... it gives your life a new perspective. For example, "this movie kind of sucks.....at least im not wiping butt for 12 hours! The wait for a table at this restaurant is 3 hours...at least im not wiping butt for 12 hours!" Starting to see the point? Now that is what I call looking for the silver lining.

Now, when I sat down to write this blog I was trying to run through all the stories I could tell. Things that would make you laugh, things that would make you cry, things that might make you feel a little uncomfortable but then I remembered a little law called HIPPA. And while I pretty sure I wouldn't have to wipe butt in prison, I'm not willing to take the chance and find out. In conclusion, I will try to summarize (legally) what I have been doing this past semester.

- The goverment should look into a new form of torture..... foreign instructors who cannot speak english. Having to sit on a cement block fashioned into the shape of a desk for 3 straight hours while listening to someone lecture where it literally sounded like the Charlie Brown teacher is just plain inhumane (keep in mind that my definition of listening involved me "hearing" her voice while filling out every work puzzle the newspaper could hold). She apparently was also unfamiliar with some of our American forms of educational evaluation. For example, the following is an actual account of her instructions before a test.
"If you want to choose A fill in the bubble A, not B,C, or D. If you want to choose B, fill in the bubble, B, not A,C, or D......" Then she continued with C and D. WOW, I have no words......
When we would grade our tests, she would go through each test and read the answers. Now in order to eliminate confusion, she would clarify the letter. It went something like this:
A - Apple
B- Bobby
C
D - Danny

Wait a minute..... A, that doesn't really sound like anything else, B and D, I get that.... but what about C? It kinda sounds like D but I guess it makes things exciting not to clarify that one. She must have skipped the C's in the Taiwanese/English translator.
I guess all those lectures in nursing school that I have taken on cultural competency didn't really take.

- I got a big regret, I mean tattoo, I mean regret, I mean tattoo.... Thats right I have defiled my body. Here is how the defilement occured:

Wednesday, 6 p.m - Get tattoo
Thursday, 8 a.m. - Typing into Google, "Tattoo Removal"

Now don't fret, I have found a loophole. Apparently, if I can prove that I got my tattoo while under the control and pressure of a gang, I can get it removed for free. As a result, the "sunshine gang" was born. I am currently looking for rough and tough applicants that will be convincing as gang members to a local dermatologist.
The best reaction to my tattoo came from my ever encouraging mother. Upon seeing the tat for the first time she said, "they could have made it cuter". Keep in mind that she has heard me cry about it for several days and at this point I CAN'T CHANGE IT!!!!
Lesson learned: Don't make permanent decisions while in Nursing School.

- In the midst of stress and hearthache, there is always a ray of hope. I like to call it Reality Television. Laugh if you will but I love it. I've decided the major draw is the fact that I can experience the hilarity and drama of real life without actually being involved in it. I love it! You can also openly mock people without consequence...... they can't hear you.... I don't think! Anyway, here is the list of must see shows:

The Bachelor - This has been a slightly disappointing year. There was major hype and buildup because this year the Bachelor was an Italian Prince. Girls, settle down!!! Apparently, ABC translated this into an executive from Wisconsin who has never been to Italy and can't speak Italian but has a distant relative who was Italian royalty. Uh.... try again. He was also slightly awkward. At one point, he spent an hour talking to this one girl about snow suits......
The major drama point was one contestant who had seen one too many episodes of the Simple Life and had adopted Paris Hilton as her role model.....OUCH! If you have not experienced Erica's Italian accent, you have never truly laughed.

Rob and Big - This has officially become my favorite show on television. The show follows the life of Rob Dyrdek, a pro skater, and his bodyguard Big Black. My favorite episode involved their attempts to get the 416 pound Big Black to go on a diet. Hilarious! I highly recommend.

Top Chef - This show proves that you can make anything competitive. In this show, contestants are chefs from across the country who are competing to become TOP CHEF!!! Part of why I am drawn to this show is the opportunity to use catch phrases like "let's turn up the heat on this competition" and "Mike is really on the chopping block this week". I am also intrigued by the show's ability to make people stress out and shake in fear over the most unlikely things. "This week you will be working with garlic" "Oh no!!!!!" "What am I going to do with garlic" "Its over, I can't work with garlic!"
My question to Bravo is this, "I've seen Project Runway and now Top Chef. How about something I can qualify for like, 'Top Nurse' or 'Project Student' (I've had lots of practice at that one)?"

So there you have it..... Throw in whining patients, lots of bodily fluids, and less sleep than is healthy for one person, and that is my semester. Which leads us to Christmas, and that involves lots of concentrated family time which is bound to require some therapeutic blogging in order to get over.........

The River Wild......

Now this post may seem a tad different than the previous entries. You might notice a slight change in the tone of the writing. What has changed? Here is the difference, Candice has battled against nature and has won! It was tough, insert picture of bruise on my knee, but very worth it in the end. This past weekend, I had the opportunity to ride the wild river in the great state of Oregon. You might know Oregon by its famed downtown Oregon attractions. If you aren't familiar with downtown Oregon, you can ask the Don about that one......
I was able to travel to Oregon because of the high demand for highschool textbooks for the many campers along the Deschutes River. Don't judge, these folks also deserve the chance to study "quality science curriculum for the home and christian school". Regardless of why I was there, I was so here is the account of my travels this past weekend.
First of all, this was my first traveling experience since the terrorist scare in the UK. Thank goodness I was almost done traveling for the summer when this happened because I would not have survived. I don't know what it is about not being able to have something that makes you want it soooooo badly. Because I could not take a beverage on board, the minute I entered the jetway, I was beyond thirsty. There were a couple of times that I had to resort to swallowing my own saliva on that barren wasteland called the time between take-off and the beverage service. Trust me, this time there was no falling asleep and missing my drink of diet Pepsi. Also, I swear my lips were more chapped this time around (chapstick is also a very suspicious carry-on item).

This is kind of jumping back in the story but I have to tell you about this tard that was on my first flight. They start to board the plane and the droves of people jump in line so they can rush on the plane to sit down again. The line is extra slow this time because they have to search all of your luggage for liquid contraban. We are still sitting, waiting for the line to die down, when hot shot walks up to the attendant and says, "Can I just go through?" "Do I have to go with these other people?" Apparently, this guy missed the class on how to exist on earth with other people. Rule #1, when you are going into an smaller area with a bunch of other people, you have to form this thing called a line.... and STAND IN IT!!!

Anyway, back to the trip. The first couple of days were standard business as usual. Since the majority of my readers are fellow employees, I will not elaborate because I sense you are probably having an adverse reaction to the mere mention of the word conference! The real excitement began on Saturday evening.
We left the Portland area and drove a couple of hours to the only hotel that had availability. I'm going to say two words now that strike fear in the hearts of travelers everywhere......Budget Inn. Lets just say its not a good thing to comment on the conditions of an establishment by saying, "At least there wasn't blood on the sheets...". After a night of sleeping on top of the sheets, I awoke to the melodious sound of 6 motorcycles backfiring right outside of my window. If anyone knows of an alarm clock that has the sound "harley in the morning" let me know because there is no better way to start the day!
Before I knew it, I was out the door and on my way to battle the mighty Deschutes. We met up with our fellow rafters and headed to the river. After a brief lesson on how to tighten your life jacket so that it inhibits proper respirations, we were off! In case you have never been rafting, the following is a list of things that you must have:

1) a raft
2) oars
3) one passenger who is way excited about the first break so he can have a beer
4) cold water
5) a river guide who has longer hair, does not understand the concept of a 5 day workweek, and incorporates the word dude into every sentence

Check, check, and ......check. We even had the required conversation about how many people had drowned on the river that week. It would take too long to describe all the details of the adventure (its getting late and I have to get up early to learn how to save lives tomorrow, i.e. wipe butts), therefore I will create yet another list of what I have discovered about white water rafting....

1) Its AWESOME!!!
2) In naming the different rapids, you are required to describe them in the most terrifying way possible. For example, we traveled down Devil's hole, the launchpad, and wreck. I must have slept through Angel's Pass, the Love Boat, and Dreamsicle Swirl.
3) The major rule of rafting is don't fall out, however, jumping out is perfectly acceptable. There were several points during our trip that our guide asked if anyone wanted to jump out and swim for awhile. I'll let you guess if I did or not.....
4) The best seat on the raft is at the very front (close your eyes mom, you don't want to read this...). They let us take turns "riding the bull", which involved balancing on the front edge of the raft while you traveled through the rapids. Way fun!!!
5) Finally, I learned that finding a way to get paid to float down a river all day sounds way better than getting paid to ask someone if they need help taking their bath today.......

You learn something new everyday......

As most of you know, I am not a fan of knowledge. Maybe thats because after 6 years of being forced to learn I've grown tired of it. Maybe its because the type of learning I'm doing right now involves hearing about an abdominal fistula that makes poop come out of your stomach, trying to figure out why that happens, and how to fix it.......with pictures. Maybe its because I was homeschooled where peer pressure involved who could quote the most Shakespeare plays, and having to pretend to "love to learn". Whatever the reason, I am currently burned out on knowledge.
Despite this fact, you can't help but learn new things. Here is a brief run-down on what I have learned recently:

1) There is a restaurant that offers side items with the purchase of a salad!
Craziness or pure genius???? You decide....
I was recently at an eating establishment where I order a GRILLED CHICKEN SALAD. I put this in caps because I was very specific about my order. I even did the "I'll have the ......." and pointed at the item on the menu. The waitress responds, "would you like fries, chips or a side salad with that". Side salad with a salad.....even the most hardcore vegan has to question that logic. What's next Ketchup for your Mustard????? Apparently the complete look of shock on my face was not enough to alert her to a misunderstanding.
After clarifying that I would receive a side with my dinner salad, I decided on french fries. I was tipped off to the possibility that this might not be the start of a new tradition but proof that our waitress was riding home on the short bus when I asked for Ranch dressing and she looked at me like I had ordered a side salad with my dinner salad. I decided I had better clarify my order only to find that I was slotted to receive a grilled cheese with french fries and ranch dressing. While delicious, it contained a few more carbs that I had originally planned on. In the end, I learned that you shouldn't trust a waitress who takes 45 minutes to figure out change for a $5 and by change I mean 5, 1 dollar bills.......

2) There are some things I actually like about my home state.
I hope you were sitting down for that......
So my friends and I like to go to this place that plays retro music once a week. Not only do I enjoy the fact that it is like putting your ipod on shuffle for a party (you get to hear baby got back followed by grease lightening, then sweet child of mine..... its awesome) but you get to do some amazing fashion watching. Some people take the opportunity to pay tribute to big sweaters, side ponytails, and bright pink lipstick (brave souls). But what I love about my hometown is that there are some people in attendance that aren't paying tribute but merely getting dressed. The 21 y.o. male wearing the members only jacket....hilarious. The 40 y.o. woman with the permed bangs, ruffled miniskirt and boots........sad.

3) Deaf people drink alcohol.
Its not that I am completely surprised by this fact, but just really had never thought about it before. It was at a retro night that this next learning experience occurred. I was there with some friends when this women practically falls on top of us. Poor thing is walking like an imaginary person is holding onto her waistband, basically she is poised for a nosedive at any moment. Keep in mind that it is only like 10:30 so girlfriend must have started early. In case I haven't described it well enough.....she was drunk.
At first, this fact is amusing to us, but we start to feel sorry for her when she completely biffs up the stairs, not an easy task to do. My favorite part is that she managed to hold both drinks in her hands. Anyway, we help her get up only to see her run into another group of people. We are standing there when this big guy that had been standing in the general area of her comes over. He says, "I don't know what to do. I just met her. She's deaf and drunk, its tough......."
He then decides to disappear, leaving us feeling somewhat responsible for her. Fast forward to the girl getting carried out and my friend who slightly knows sign language trying to help figure out where she lives. Now the extremely interesting fact is that apparently just like how drunk people slur their words, deaf drunk people slur their hands......My friend couldn't tell if she was saying that she had been hit in the face or that she thought she was beautiful. To quote my tall friend, "it was tough".

So, kiddies, there you have it. I have relayed my new found wisdom to you. Don't get too excited because starting next week any type of learning I will be able to impart is probably going to involve bodily fluids. Did somebody say rectal tube?????

Single in the city....

Ok. So you knew it was coming eventually. I mean its not as if I don't get to discuss the topic enough (everytime my Aunt calls to see if I'm "not engaged yet?"). And since I have chosen to ignore her advice to trip a pilot in the airport because "they make really good money", I currently find myself alone in the deep, scary waters of the dating pool. I would like to point out that I chose the word "currently" because opposed to popular belief, I am not in the nun-to-be training program. I just happen to love the combination of black and white clothing. ANYHOO.......

I have decided to take the time now to point out to you, my friends, why I have chosen to remain single in light of the winners that I have run into lately. The following is a list of the recent encounters I have had. I was going to try to find pictures to illustrate what these bachelors looked like, but I think it will be so much more rewarding for your imagination to form the image. Feel free to add mullets where needed.

Contestant #1: Baby Mama Drama

Setting: The labor and delivery unit during my clinical last semester.

As a little background, keep in mind that in Nursing School we are required to dress head to toe in BRIGHT, RED scrubs as well as the all white walking shoes that only belong underneath a denim jumper or with tube socks in an exercise video. So, I am looking red hot....sooo punny!
It is about halfway through the morning and I am walking down the hall. As I stroll past one of the delivery rooms, I hear a little whistle and a, "hey baby!". My first reaction being that someone has just experienced the miracle of life....WRONG! This ghetto fabulous fool is actually calling out to me over the screams of his baby's mama giving birth in the room behind him! This "shout out" was followed up by a few lines like...."what are you up to?" and "how often do you come to this hospital?". I'm not sure if these are typical pick-up lines in a hospital but.....YIKES. As I continue to walk down the hall, he yells, "I'll catch up with you later!". He then proceeded to stalk me for the next two days while we were there.
I'm not exactly sure how he saw this playing out. Did he think it would be an easy transition for me to start taking care of his baby since I was there getting practice? Don't know.....don't care. I am was made fun of the entire week for this awesome day!

Contestant #2: Appropriately, Baby Daddy Drama

Setting: A local bar (this is a typical location as I think they change from normal to WEIRD once they enter this area.....or maybe its the alcohol).

This encounter began fairly normally, however, it soured very quickly. He came over to talk to me and I think we barely made it past, "hey, how are you?", when I hear, "you don't have any baby daddy drama, do you?".
0.5 seconds later......b-bye! As I started to walk away, he says, "don't be upset, I ask everybody that!" OH!!! That changes everything!

Contestant #3: Drive-by Picking

Setting: Sitting at a stop-light.
This run-in was completely unexpected. I was sitting at a stop-light, minding my own business when I made what I now see as a very big mistake called, glancing to my left. I look over to find the future "Mr. C-Los" sitting in his ultra classy station wagon staring right at me. But this was no ordinary fella, he was a multitasker. Not only was he managing to give me a stare down, he was also cleaning out his nasal passage (in un-medical terms.....PICKING HIS NOSE!). He had his finger so far stuck up his nares, his eyeball was twitching!
Candice's inner monologue:
"Just look forward. You are fascinated by the stoplight. You can't take your eyes off of it. OOOO pretty lights!"
Now, a word of wisdom to you men out there.....this is not an attractive move for anyone. I think I would even struggle with good ol' Matthew McConaughey publicly clearing the bats out of his cave.

Contestant #4: The Literary Mastermind

Setting: The Pool at my Apartment

I had gone outside one evening when it had cooled down to relax and read my book. The pool was empty....perfect! I sat down and was about 2 chapters into my book when I hear the chair creak next to me. Turdball (sp?), the cause of the chair creaking, then proceeds to light a cigarette while trying to strike up a conversation with me. At this point, I have my nose stuck as far in my book as I can before the words start to blur together. For normal people, this a very clear signal that I DON'T WANT TO TALK! Here is a brief synopsis of how our conversation went:

Turdball: What are you reading?
Me: A book
Turdball: Cool. Is it good?
Me: Yep
Turdball: What is it about?
Me: Don't know yet. Not far enough.....(hint: I keep getting interrupted so I can't read very fast)
Turdball: Cool. Who is it by?
Me: I just show him the cover
Turdball: Cool. I read a book once
Me: Silence.....internally I am actually slightly amazed that he can read
Turdball: Ever heard of Jimmy Buffet? It was his book......
Me: Well....its getting late. I'm going to go inside......
Turdball: Cool

You can expect our "save the date" card next week.

Sadly....the list could go on. I believe I will wait to continue the list until another time because after putting the experiences into words I'm slightly depressed.
Now maybe I'm a little picky (notice the subtle reference to contestant #3) but I don't think these upstanding men are going to be making the top 100 most eligible bachelors list anytime soon. But don't worry about me, I'm still holding out for the awesome, normal guys that have got to come out of their hiding places (or get divorced) sometime soon. I'm kidding......kind of! So until the next installment of single in the city......ladies hold onto your men! Its a scary, scary world out there.