Payback......

I have wanted to write this post for awhile now. There are a couple of reasons for said post. 1) I love my mom. 2) I love to irritate my mom. 1 + 2 = this post. The main reason for 2 - my mom used to love to irritate me.
As we all know, childhood is basically a time for you to do and say stupid things mainly because you can blame it all on your age. As beloved Mother happily tells whoever will listen, I was not the brightest crayon in the box. Not the sharpest tool in the shed (Ha Ha.... tool). Hey, I had better things to do like stare off into space or at a cupcake (this will only make sense to some of you, but its better that way). Any caring, loving, devoted, good parent would keep this information to themselves, protecting the privacy of the helmeted child. Not my mother. If I said or did something even remotely funny or stupid, my mom couldn't find enough people to tell about it.

Grandma - "Hi"
Mom - "Hey did I tell you what my daughter said the other day"

Family friend - "My sister just got diagnosed with Cancer and is really having a hard time"
Mom - "Awww. Hey did I tell you what my daughter said the other day"

Bag boy at the grocery store: "Paper or plastic"
Mom - "Hey did I tell you what my daughter said the other day"

The most amazing part of this scenario being that now she insists that I not tell stories about her. Wrong!!! Should never have said that.......

Payback #1

This quote happened a couple of years ago but still produces nausea when I think about it.... It was Friday and I was on my way to meet some friends. I was on the phone with Madre, regaling my plans for the evening. Following the explanation, she states, "Oh, that sounds like fun! You just go and feel your wild oats!" Uh, what???? First of all, I'm pretty sure that is not even a phrase but from the breakdown of words sounds very dirty and wrong! When I called her out on the use of such profanity, she states that is the way people say to have some fun. My mom is so hip to the scene!

Payback #2

I have just recently recovered from this incident. It occured over Valentine's Day. I was sitting in my apartment one day when there was knock on the door. It is the UPS guy and he has a package for me. Awww, my mom has sent me a Valentine's package. I bet is has all kinds of goodies like cookies and egg shell muffins. Instead, the list went something like this:

#1 Cookies that she bought from someone else that my sister described as cardboard with glue and sprinkles

#2 A stuffed puppy key chain

and drum roll please.......

#3 Valentine's day handcuffs

I'll give you all a moment to recover from the fact that I got handcuffs from my mom on Valentine's Day.


When I approached her about the "gift", she said "I thought they were cute and funny". Uh..... no and no. Apparently, she realized that this was both sick and twisted when she was talking to one of her work friends. They were telling her about how they went to CVS to get some Valentine's day candy and saw that CVS was selling Valentine's Day handcuffs. How sick and twisted was that? That is just soooo wrong!!! Of course my mom agreed and then called me and begged me to keep this information between the two of us.

Payback #3

This payback has to do with several instances involving basically the same scenario.

The first was a time awhile ago when my mom and I were walking outside. She was carrying a magazine which will become a key component to the story. As we are walking a bird swoops down and flies kind of close to me. My mom's reaction....... she hits me in the head with the magazine. My response.... "OWWW". Her response......."I'm sorry. I can't help it!"

Last summer, my grandma came to stay with my mom. They were outside working in the garden together. A snake slithered out of the garden. My grandma responds my grabbing a shovel and beating the snake's head into the ground. Have I mentioned that my grandma is not afraid of anything. She is practically like a female Crocodile Dundee. If my mom hadn't been around, she probably would have snapped it's neck with her bare hands. My mom's reaction is quite different. She starts jumping all around, grabbing grandma's shirt, practically choking her.
Grandma's response......"Darn snake". Mom's reaction......."I'm sorry. I can't help it!"

This happened just the other night. My sister called and relayed the details of the story. They were just relaxing at the house when my sister decides to teach my mom a self-defense lesson. Apparently my mom (the attacker) was supposed to grab my sister (the victim) on the shoulders. The "self-defense" move was to head butt the attacker so my sister slightly moves her head forward to demonstrate the move. A piece of her hair touches my mom's face and she reacts by smacking the victim in the eye with the palm of her hand.
My sister's response......falling to the floor in pain. My mom's response....."I'm sorry. I can't help it!" In the end, it was not a self-defense lesson but a lesson on how to succeed as an attacker.

So what is the answer??? Does my mom just like to hurt people? I don't think so considering she cries when she hits a butterfly with her car. Are we just asking for it????? That's a big no! I'm not sure what the explanation is .......
My mom's reasoning...... she has Tourette's syndrome.


We will see how that holds up in court................

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In the end, I love my mom. She is one of the sweetest, most caring people that I have ever met or will ever meet. She would be a living organ donor if it meant that she could still drive around to take her kids out to lunch. I know that if I ever needed anything, she would be there probably before I even asked. When I get to heaven, I know I have made it if God says, "You have the possessed the same faith and love as your Mother". I love you Mom! Happy Birthday!