The Ant Wars........

As most of you know, I live in an apartment downtown (notice how I left the name of the city out due to the huge popularity of this blog - I want to keep my privacy). And like any smart renter I researched the Apartment on the ultimate renters guide at http://www.shouldirentthisapartmentornot.com/. FYI, when reading this site keep in mind that only the really hard core complainers leave their comments (i.e. the shade of carpeting didn't match my furniture so I give it 2 thumbs down). Anyway, one of the complaints mentioned that the apartments tended to get ants. Glad that it wasn't the wolf spiders that I used to play tag with at my parents house, my roomate and I decided to risk it. The bet payed off. I have maybe seen three or four ants, one of those possibly being food stuck on the counter (wasn't willing to run the taste test on that one....) Everything was fine until the management decided to spray for the "ants".

Battle #1

Scene - my bedroom, really early in the morning.
First of all, this battle also involves a Benedict Arnold of sorts, a.k.a my roommate. I was sound asleep one morning dreaming of who knows what (I can't remember my dreams unless they are extremely weird like the one where dogs turned into little children - yikes) when a man bursts into my room. Knowing that my alarm is set to "beep" and not "exterminator opening door", I am a little shocked. Coming out of my sleepy fog, I say "Oh! Sorry, let me just get out of your way". Apparently, he missed that day in Common Courtesy class when we learned that you would politely step out of the room and let the person get out of bed in privacy. Instead, he proceeded to just stand in the doorway. AWKWARD!!!! Well, I come out of my room to find out that my roommate (bene) had let the exterminator in and had just left. Thanks for the heads up!! He is no longer allowed to answer the door. Needless to say, I was not excited about this experience, especially since I DON'T SEE ANY ANTS!!!!

Battle #2

Scene - again, much tooo early in the morning in my apartment.
For those of you who don't believe that there is a God and that he cares about what happens in our lives, prepare to change your mind. Our apartment door has a regular lock, a deadbolt, and one of those things that closes over that rod with a ball at the end. you know.....the thing that you only see in hotel rooms. Well typically, I don't close the last thing but that night I had. Little did I know, the exterminator would be back to help with our "ant" problem. Well, after he unlocked the first two, when we didn't answer the door, he was met with the doohickey. It was just like the movies where the murderer is yelling through the small crack in the door trying to grab you (insert picture of Jack Nicholson from The Shining). You would think this small hint would give them the idea that we don't want them to spray, but no.............

Battle #3

Scene - my apartment
The management of the apartment left us the following notice:

Dear Resident:

Your apartment will be treated for the control of PHAROAH ANTS. This type of ant is not as easy to treat as many other types of ants. Their biology and behavior require special products as well as special types of treatments. THEREFORE, CONVENTIONAL SPRAYS DO NOT WORK!! We will be treating your apartment using a baiting method. There may be a dramatic new or increased ant activity at the beginning. CARE MUST BE TAKEN NOT TO DISTURB THE BAIT OR ANT TRAILS. In other words, NOTHING SHOULD BE DONE TO DISCOURAGE THE ANTS FROM FEEDING ON THE BAIT.

YOUR APARTMENT MUST BE VACATED OF ALL HUMANS AND PETS.

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IF YOU HAVE BREATHING PROBLEMS, PLEASE CONTACT US

Aquariums must be removed from the premises or sealed air tight. Pesticides may damage plants, and they should be removed, or wrapped with paper, or covered with bags.

PS... They actually used that many caps.

- Now after reading this, I felt a strange urge to look online for a bio suit. WHAT IN THE WORLD are we spraying for here, mutant ants??? Do Pharoah ants have four heads and shoot fireballs out of their mouths? What happened to the traditional methods of extermination like Raid or the bottom of my shoe? Regardless, not too excited about the new "baiting" method. As a result, I am left to come up with a reason I am not able to have my apartment treated. Here is what I have so far......

- I have a medical condition where my hair will fall out if I come into contact with any type of ant bait

- I own house plants that will die if I remove them from my apartment, wrap them in paper, or cover them with bags. P.S. they are really expensive

- I believe in reincarnation and I believe that my favorite Aunt came back as a Pharoah Ant. (My Aunt reincarnated as an Ant....... I kill myself!!!)

- If you insist on baiting, I will post the following comment on www.apartmentsthatyoushouldneverrent.com : "Don't rent this apartment because all of the carpeting is poop scented..... big 2 thumbs down!!!"

- And my favorite, I don't want to grow another big toe so I DON'T WANT IT!!!!

Well, I am headed to the office tomorrow and if they don't listen to me, I am going to let some mice loose in their office...........

War....UH What is it good for? Absolutely NOTHING!